Heyy blogsville,
I know I havn't posted any write-up in a long time. I just never have time to sit down in one-spot. I have been crazy busy, but I have so much ramdon thoughts to write about.
The title is based on this post by Linda Ikeji, one of my fave bloggers, and it definately moved me. She was brutally honest and genuine, and I admire her so much more now. I usually found her blog more like a magazine, and less like a blog, but this post erases that perception. I have been having the same problem with my posts. Because my blog is not anonymous, and has put me in trouble several times(yes I have gotten calls from random people about my posts), it means I am more and more careful about what I write. I have been avoiding putting any personal stuff on it, and focused on writing articles, kinda like Linda's blog. But like she said, there is not point having a blog and not being able to express yourself, so I will try to hold back as little as possible now. Here goes nothing::
I am worried. I am at cross roads in my life, and I am not sure what to do. Majority of the big decisions in my life have been taken in conjuction with my parents. Thankfully, they have never directed me wronglly, and I have no regrets. But it has gotten to the stage where they always ask me what I want, and the truth is that I do not know. I have a rough idea but I do not know for sure. I am constantly second guessing myself and in doubt, and it is a shit feeling. I am worried about:
My dissertation- It is proving difficult and elusive. As usual, I left it to the last minute, so I have 2weeks to write on a topic that I have barely researched on because I was working most of the summer in London. I am just hoping for a pass right now.
Getting a job- This is my biggest worry. I am even scared of completing my dissertation because then I have to figure out what to do next. Right now I am hoping to get a job here and work till next year June before I go to law school. But there is the option of going back home and starting my NYSC. This is not something I want to do right now, but the prospects of getting a satisfying job are very very slim, especially in law. Legal jobs are so hard to get, it is unbelievable. The truth is that I am not really interested in working a random 9-5 job just to get by, as I know it is only a matter of time before I get bored and want to jump out of the office window. I am restless and constantly need a challenge to stay sane. If only I could get paid to blog all day........dreams.......
The other option is to do the LPC and become a qualified lawyer here, I am not really interested in doing that, as I do not see the point if I am not going to stay here in the long-run. Besides, it is mostly property, equity and public law which I hated during my undergrad, and I dont want to go through that again. I think I want to work for now.
I hate cross-roads. I have never been in a position where I do not know what I am doing next, and it is a shit feeling.
Homelessness-I get kicked out of my apartment in 2 weeks, to co-incide with the end of uni, and I am homeless. I might have no choice but to live my relatives, and that is definately a last resort. Because I do not know where I might get a job, I do not want to get another flat here, and be stuck with a 6months tenancy that I do not need. I love having my own space so this sucks.
Relationships-This year has been so dramatic in the love department. Too many guys have come and gone, and I have again come to my conclusion that Nigerian guys are mostly useless, lol. Miss L.C always says it is not about quantity but about quality, and the quality around is so low, its almost non-existent. I have met so many guys that are so full of shit that it is part of thier DNA! But at the same time, I have met several special guys that have given me alot of love(and troubles). I am worried that I am losing my faith in the male species, and losing the belief of finding the one. I am worried that I will never find someone I can be in love with long enough to get committed to, or worse still get married. Which leads to my other problem: I get bored so easily. I find it exciting when I meet someone new, and I am getting to know them, feeling infatuated, and then ............I get bored. It is a pattern with me, that few guys have been able to break. I am worried that a time will come when I will find someone great but will eventually get bored!
Settling Down-I am worried about the thought of having to commit to one person for the rest of my life. The thought of forever and ever daunts me like crazy. I was at my cousins wedding in New York a week ago, and everyone kept praying for my own time to come, and it was all so funny to me. At least I have the excuse of school now, once I start working, the calls from my mum, aunts and relatives will start piling in, like they have for all my older cousins and it worries me. The worst part is that those same cousins that went through the whole thing and were complaining are the ones giving me the same lecture about settling down. This also brings me to my next worry
Flirting- I am a flirt. It is a problem I have had since the day I discovered boys. Also I find it challenging when a guy I am flirting with does not respond. I take it as a personal affront and do not take rejection very well. This is a very deadly combination. I have yet to find a guy who I like enough to make stop me flirting with other guys. Therefore I am worried that if I do settle down, I will have to stop flirting, and I do not know how. And no, I am not a slag!LOL
Health- I am worried about my health. Lately, I have been very well, but I am worried it will not last. Most importantly, I am worried that I when I move back to Nigeria, I will not have access to the medicines and healthcare I have here. Coupled with the threat of Malaria and other tropical diseases, I am worried I will cannot cope there anymore.
Writing- I am worried that I am not a good writer. Because I love writing and reading so much, I constantly compare myself to other amatuer writers such as S.B and my fear that I do not measure up seem to be getting greater. I was recently asked to write for a Nespaper in london, and I have not been able to submit anything because like I said earlier I have a fear of rejection(is there a dictionary word for that fear lol)
Failure-And finally, I have a fear of failure. Because I am drifer and dreamer, I have never had one direction/focus. I love/enjoy so many things that I have always had a fear of being a jack of all trades. I never stick at one thing long enough to be great at it. I am always average.The best example is sports. I have done fencing, badmington, table tennis, yoga, pilates and lately swimming. But I never go for more than 10 classes in any of them before I get bored and give up!LOL I am worried that this will be a life pattern. I guess I can console myslef becauseI have never quit school. I just hope I dont give up on this blog someday!
Those are my worries, it feels good to share!
xoxo
Miss B.
Disclaimer: I have never met a stronger fighter and a more outstanding character than Bukky B yet a worse self critic at the same time! FACT!
ReplyDeleteDissertation - Stay focused, push yourself a little more and when ramadan starts next wk, all the pieces will make sense in the puzzle. (P.s. Kick Verere out of your crib; that will definitely help!)
Getting a job – From experience, finding a Job at times is a job on its own but a Job isn’t always about loads of recruitment agencies + loads of c.v’s + any job that seems right, click apply + then applying for so many you can’t even remember which left you that long voicemail yesterday! Within a week you’ll find out you seem highly un-employable! Sweethrt u’ve tried and i think it’s time to concentrate on the other issues that have a 2week window e.g. Disso whilst still keeping ur ears to the ground. Who knows, the job may just find you, Insha’Allah! (P.s. I know pressure from Alhaji B isn’t helping but as much as you like to think you are super-woman B... you are only human. So chill for a minute and breathe B. Breatheee.)
Homelessness – Its time to move into that Alhaji’s penthouse in Marble Arch that came to ask for you hand in marriage a few months back... Beautiful apartment with nice modern day styling and 3 and the half bathrooms! Its the BOMB! My point – try and convince daddy for your house plans with your brother in cov. He says no, u pack ur carrier to ur uncles house and take your overnight bag to K-town until futher notice whilst u keep working in that awesome company at Finsbury park that you very much love! Shikena! (Unless of course someone’s phone becomes unreachable.)
Relationship + settling down + Flirting – I think all comes under one heading and six words... Yes, Bukky.... You are a Shallams!
Health – You’re a fighter B. Always have always will be. Your amount of exams missed because you were in the hospital and that 2.1 certificate you have from University of Leicester sitting on your desk i think is enough proof! My cousin fought Leukaemia for 34yrs and finally died in a road accident on way to Okada from Benin because the driver dropped the danfo-driver tape and was trying to pick it up! No joke!! Moral of the story.... it’s only someone that is alive that can complain. You fail to see how much you have come in your Gulliver’s travels and hhow much u have achieved but B, remember what you always say .. “ehen? So? Abeg jor, there are bigger issues in the world... you’ll be alright!”lol Don’t shorten life by worrying, LIVE IT!
ReplyDeleteWriting – Errrrr I won’t even lie and say you’re Chimamanda or Bilkisu Funtuwa or you could even be them in the next few years. But comeon Bukky B you seem to forget that writing is their life! What they eat, think and breathe! For you, it’s just one of your numerous passions, which talking about your passions... you have yourself a hand full to say the least. For how you fit writing into your buzzing-b life, your numerous life obstacles, your age/experiences and everything else... what you write is simple, understandable, beautiful, intelligent and indeed great. Personally i think what you do in general is exemplary being jack of all trades and master of quite a few actually. Cut yourself some slack babez and give yourself a little credit! No! Alot actually! Hilsssssss
Failure – loool... Is this a joke??? B, Even though a thing line, I think there is a difference between being adaptable hence trying a lot of different interesting things AND thinking of yourself a failure! Ask yourself this... these things i start and stop, do i stop because i simply cannot handle them and fail all the time??? Or do I stop because i just get more interested in something else and find something new to be more flexible towards??? Does stopping them cause any direct harm to me or influence my future greatly or is stopping them a thing of comfort??? Have I ever continued with something i really wanted to stop because I know i cannot afford to stop??? Is it now a crime to be adventurous or to want to be open-minded to the only constant factor of life??? CHANGE??? I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it so honestly, i wish i could say I have tried a bit more in life! Except maybe errr *cough weed cough*
Finally I Quote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. “
ALLOW IT BABEZZZ. I REST MY CASE!
P.S. I love you more! xxxx
u sound EXACTLY like me! can't find a job so moving to NAij to do NYSC at a law firm in lagos. worried about my dissertation. have 2 weeks left as well! my health worries me , and my love life well. like i said. EXACTLY like u
ReplyDeleteIt'll be alright B.If you ever want to talk (no charge) lol
ReplyDeleteLove you
OK OK every1 has given you proper essays,so ill keep it simple..B u r a favoured and highly gifted young lady…accept your possibilities and if you still need proof look back to all the times you ever worried or pretended not to worry about anything and look how it all turned out in the end…Have faith in yourself and Allah and let time sort everytin out…A wise man once said ..Peace is not the absence of obstacles,trials and tribulations but your ability to stay calm and focused through this period..
ReplyDeleteLuv you hun..You know I hav bn were you are so trust me when I say it’ll all sort it self out for the best..xoxo
Im yet to find a graduate that knows what they want to do. People that seem to know what they want are people that already have a job or dont have a chance staying here as per immigration or people that daddy has organised a job for in nigeria and are going to get it. Even after graduation and you are trying to find a job, I think it sort of gets to a point where you start looking for vacancies in other fields and apply for any and everything. I dont think there is any such thing as "knowing". eg marrying someone, you dont know if the person is right or getting a job you dont know if it is what you want, or choosing a course, etc. We all dont know but opportunities come and we grab them as it seems like the most sensible thing to do at the time. Dear, NYSC is not always the solution cos after a year you would be back to square 1 again..... which is not knowing what next.... except of course if NYSC is what you wanna do.
ReplyDeleteFinding a job just might be right, though you might get bored but dear trust me on this one you would never get bored of the salary coming in and this my dear is what helps us all get by. Though I would love to quit and go travelling and end up at some ski resort for atleast 6months.
Relationships - My dear I think alot of ppl are in that getting bored category.... so you are not alone. Finding the right one might bee difficult but my policy is "be the right person, instead of trying to find the right person"
I dont know if that makes sense sha...
Erhm... disseration is abit of a ...... though I dont know much about it. well like someone said "like sands in a hour glass, so are the days of dissertation"... Good luck hun!!!
babe...feel the fear and do it anyway! nothing wrong with fears...just don't quit.
ReplyDeleteahem, i am semi-worried that people get hateful about your blogposts o! ever heard of artistic license??? lyk seriously....dis is the real reason why my blog is the way it is...there you go...der's my own fear right there...crazy people that won't let you be!